Rules for Dating My Sons

lioness-protects-cubs[1]1. I’m raising my sons to respect everyone, but if you dress like a skanky whore and you act like a skanky whore, don’t be surprised (or offended) if my son thinks you’re a skanky whore.

2. I have no patience for angst, manipulation or drama of any kind, so don’t even try. If my son makes you insane, date someone else. For the record, I’m not crazy but I can see it from here. Mess with my boys and you’ll find yourself toe-to-toe with 40 years worth of pent up, vintage cray-cray. Trust me, you WILL be sorry.

3. If my son ever hits you or treats you without respect, tell me. Trust me, he WILL be sorry. However, if you hurt his feelings or make fun of him, I’m not above KICKING YOUR ASS. If your dad doesn’t like it, give him my number.

4. My boys only fight with each other. In fact, they get along pretty well with most people, so if you make my son so insane that he’s tempted to hit you or treat you without respect, it’s probably you.

5. My boys don’t have any physical or emotional disorders. They aren’t ADHD, they aren’t socially inept and they’ve never been abused. They were gently toilet trained and no one in our family is alcoholic or absent. If it’s not working out with you and my son, it’s probably you.

6. If my son tells you that he’s not that into you and you shag him anyway, don’t be offended if he’s STILL not that into you.

7. My boys know how to do their own housework, but if my son is paying your rent, don’t complain about washing his clothes.

8. If you really want things to work out between you and my son, it would do you well to stay in my good books, so put on a longer skirt and get your hands off my son’s junk (at least while I’m watching). And go wash something. At my house. With a smile on your face.

9. I’m a rotten cook so if you can cook with any prowess at all, you’ll probably score points with my son. Enjoy the free pass – it’s the only one you’ll get from me.

10. However special you think you are, you should know right now that YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST. Both of my sons have already been in love. Both of them have proposed to a smart, talented, funny, educated, compassionate woman who only turned them down because she was already married. Ok, it was me, but still. If my son loves you, count yourself lucky because he is one fantastic guy.